Vintank - Starting in the tanks with hopes of drinking their way out of it

Recently unemployed wine "mover/shaker" Paul Mabray and wine blogger wrangler Joel Vincent (aka Time Waster) have joined forces along with some tech/designs guys to create a new company, Vintank.

The new vinture's name reflects their desire to start at the bottom and drink their way up. To quote Mabray,

"Hey we rather start in the tank than one day finding that the company has tanked, though we won't rule that out"

The company claims to be in business to help tech companies deal with the wine industry. Projects will include such things as teaching Apple employees to not focus on the vintage of the wine they choose to drink when listening to Steve Job's rants about new phone ideas, but rather the price point as the economy wavers.

While at other times they'll work with wineries to use the internet more effectively, helping to generate award winning ideas such as rubberized fowl, and more crap ass winery blogs.

Here's to being in the tank. And being tanked.

Does No Pay Appeal To You?

I follow a great many of you whiners on Twitter, so I'm well aware that you think this blog has gone the way of Tom Wark's hair and Gary Vaynerchuck's charm. Yet again, the idiots in the whine blogging community are just showing their ignorance.

You see, I had to fire a couple of our writers. Frankly, they didn't have the stomachs for this kind of work.

Can I do this alone? Of course. A trained monkey can maintain a blog. Have you ever seen Passionate Foodie? Point made.

And I will do it alone if I have to, with the help of the morons that remain on our staff here at Wine-ing 2.0 HQ. But, I know that many of you are looking for a way to poke fun at the very community you've helped build and circle jerk with regularly.

Want to know who I am first? I am your father. I am your daddy. Never forget it.

But, before you apply via email, have answers to the following questions ready:

1. Can you write? I mean in complete sentences. Using words.
2. Will you cry if we make fun of you? Because we will. Just a warning.
3. We would prefer female staffers. Would you describe your body as "slamming" or "spammy"?
4. Do you enjoy white zinfandel? If so, don't waste my time.
5. Do you know how to doctor pictures to create false realities? Not that we condone such things.
6. Do you like bacon? Careful, it's a trick question.
7. at2 = asin(sin(lat1)*cos(d/R) + cos(lat1)*sin(d/R)*cos(θ)) and lon2 = lon1 + atan2(sin(θ)*sin(d/R)*cos(lat1), cos(d/R)−sin(lat1)*sin(lat2)), what does d/R stand for?
8. Does your bra size include "double"?
9. Do you want to be hated by jealous whine bloggers who can only hope to be as entertaining as you?
10. Why the hell do you want this no-pay, shit job anyway?

Prepare your answers and contact me at overextracted@gmail.com I will get back to you whenever I feel like it.

Côtes du Rhône's Famous Hippo and Hedgehog are Hitting the Pavement

Decanter reports that the famous cartoon mascots are currently hitting the Help Wanted pages, fired after recent fears that their "cute" appearance may influence children to drink. In a recent interview with both Hippo and Hedgehog on Nightline, they stated their concerns that the wine industry is being hypocritical.

"After a decade of having a glass of wine glued to my hoof, spending ridiculous amounts of money on dermatologist bills, and now they want me to give it all up because their largest export market, the UK, fears that children are associating a hippo drinking wine as a seductive message?! I find it ludicrous, especially when Budo Kun's making international headlines for his recent sexual escapades, yet that's not influencing kids to drink? He's a fu**** wine bottle for Christ's sake! Yet Hedgehog and I are seen as the anti-christs! When was the last time you associated my big ass with a fantastic bottle of wine?"

Hedgehog followed up his best friend's comments by stating his own frustrations with the blatantly apparent hypocrisy. "My personal take isn't as dramatic as my buddy's, as Chile is already negotiating a new contract with us, but I'm definitely seeing something more underhanded going on here. If this were truly about children's well-being, don't you think our friends posing on wine bottles internationally would also be out of a job? But nooo, while bull, kangaroo and little penguin all retain their contracts, we're out of work. So I'm not led to believe this is for "the good of the young", no, I'm seeing this more as outright prejudism against hippos and hedgehogs!!!"

The press agent for Côtes du Rhône would not comment, although recent reports of violence against hippos and hedgehogs has been reported worldwide. The most recent story coming from a man in NZ using innocent hedgehogs as violent weapons against children.

5 Wine Bloggers Who Should Just Give Up

We all know how wonderful and important the wine blogs of the world are. Just ask Tom, he of the traffic-inducing AWBA programme! Without wine blogs, what would we write about here on this here blog?

But let's be honest -- there are a lot of hideous blogs out there -- blogs that despite the apparent passion and desire (for what, we're not always sure) of their authors, just don't work. They are useless, frivolous and not worth the time put into them.

So today Wine-ing 2.0 does all you wine bloggers a service, for free. Today, we identify 5 bloggers who should just give up and leave the wine blogging to those of us with actual talent and knowledge.

Please give up #1: Basic Juice
Mr. Jarvis, you were once a leader in wine blogging circles, but your site has fallen on hard times. Maybe it's because you live in Utah and can't actually buy any wine there. Maybe it's that you've taken third, forth and fifth wives in recent months. Or perhaps you were affected by the recent raids on Mormon compounds. Please shut your blog down, you filthy Old World wine-loving polygamist.

Please give up #2: REthink Wine Blog
Paul, you seem like a nice enough guy. And your blog would actually be useful if winery owners were smart enough to pay attention. But, we'd like you to quit acting like the "Dad" of the wine blogging world. Take a joke and lighten up, okay? And remember, you haven't won an AWBA, have you? Time for a career change. This one just isn't working out for you.

Please give up #3: The Pour
Mr. Asimov, you are so above all of this throw-up writing. We enjoy your weekly column (even if we get sick of hearing about your family, karate class and nick-named tasting group.) Why would you lower yourself to blogging? Is it about ego and a shameless need to be in the spotlight? Stick to print. Bloggers are losers and you aren't one. Please leave blogging immediately.

Please give up #4: Stormhoek
Do I even need to explain this one? The power of wine blogging in action! The next time any of you bloggers think you're important or making an impact, remember Stormhoek. Actually, maybe they've already given up. Friggin' quitters.

Please give up #5: StrumErika.com
Okay, let me get this straight. Daddy's little girl has a job at Wine Enthusiast, but isn't a good enough writer to actually write for them, so we need to read her drivel online. Is that right? Boy, you've got to be one shitty writer if your daddy is the boss and you still can't get paid for doing it. And, StrumErika...are you dyslexic? Nice blog name, resoL.

Honorable mention: She Who Shall Not Be Named
There is one more blog/vlog that we'd love to see shut its doors forever, but we dare not mention the author's name here. Apparently, there are several people who read this blog who take themselves way too seriously and cannot take a joke. The last time She Who Shall Not Be Named was named in a post, there was uproar amongst those uptight few (see #2 above). We'd like She Who Shall Not Be Named to shut down her blog, but you'll never know who she is.

That's it for today folks. Check back next week when we investigate the five wine blogs that are most likely written by children.

LENNDEVOURS' Thompson Declares: New York Wines SUCK

"I'm only doing this because I have nothing better to do," stated Lenn Thompson of the mildly interesting wine blog LENNDEVOURS. Turns out Lenn a resident of New York state, only writes about these wines, because they are there. "Most of what I taste is low grade jet fuel, but since most people will never see them on their store shelves, I can say what I want."

Most nights Lenn admits he prefers drinking a beer or two before hitting the sack, which has led him to consider blogging about beer instead, "But you see beer is just not snobby enough, and I prefer to think of myself as better than everyone else, Wine allows me to do that." In other surprising news, Lenn has admitted that all of his guest contributors, are just facets of his at times twisted array of multiple personalities. "I know I have a problem, but I like to turn the lemons to lemonade, hence I use my various identities to explore blogging from different angles"

When asking his wife Nena about this she stated "I never know who is going to come home from work at night, but I do know I better have some cold beer waiting for who ever it is"

No one know's what the future will hold for the all-caps endevour of Lenn's, only time will tell. Who knows maybe New York wine will improve and there will be something to write about for real.

Pinot Blogger admits hatred for Pinot Noir

"I just got swept in 'Sideways' fever," admits Josh Hermsmeyer of the popular blog Pinotblogger. Turns out Josh doesn't really like this mainstay of the French wine region of Burgundy. "I wish I did, I really do, but in truth given my druthers, I rather sip on a bottle of Manischevitz Concord, a wine I really can get into," continues Mr. Hermsmeyer. Turns out many wine makers were swept up in Sideways fever, a movie that created a furor for the grape Pinot Noir. Likewise the movie also spawned a hatred for the much maligned grape Merlot. Asked what he might do now that he seems stuck with vines of Pinot Noir Mr. Hermsmeyer replied, "Well, I guess I need to see if I can make something drinkable from it. Really it's pretty weak as a wine grape in my opinion." Rumors have it that Josh has toyed with fortifying his wine to produce a sweet dessert offering, or possibly selling it off in bulk and buying his beloved Concord from third party grape growers.

Pinotblogger.com the domain, for now, is doomed to be written by a non-believer. It's believed that Mr. Hermsmeyer has offered the domain for sale, but so far there are no takers.

Editorial - Wine Bloggers are Schills

There has been an minor uproar in the wine blogging world these past two weeks with the publication of an article in Wine and Spirit magazine based in the UK, about wine blogging. Completely unknown, Claire Hu, made some grand statements in her "exposé", which Tom "the enforcer" Wark of Fermentation, seemed to have taken offense to in his retort to "Claire".

Tom tends to hold bloggers up as the "future" of wine writing, and he doesn't like the idea that "Claire" is wary of us wine bloggers. To quote from Tom's quote of "Claire's" article, I want to illustrate and comment about these quotes, with a few of my own quotes that you are free to quote in your own follow ups to this wonderful article. And I quote...

WINE BLOGGERS ARE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!
No Shit Tom! How do you think I afford my Hummer for when I go tasting in the vineyards, or the crystal decanters I use for my wine. Of course, I use a new one each time to avoid off flavors from one wine to the next. We are bought and paid for and that's why there are SO MANY of us "professionals" rolling at the wine functions with our Bling Bling!

WINE BLOGS ARE REGULARLY INFILTRATED BY WINERIES POSTING GREAT REVIEWS OF THEIR OWN WINES ON OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOG
Well now, I do have agree with her. I mean, on my non-wine-ing blog, we always invite wineries to write their own reviews. With so much bling weighing down my fingers, I don't have the time or the energy to type.

YOU CAN'T TELL WHAT CONTENT ON A WINE BLOG IS INDEPENDENT AND WHAT IS PAID FOR.
Good point, though I guess I can't tell what content in a magazine is bought and paid for either, so I'll give "Claire" a point for this one. And in reality, all of our content at Wine-ing 2.0 is bought and paid for. In fact, Wine-ing has just signed a million dollar contract with Google to be their sole search result when people look for wine advice!

BLOGS HAVE NO QUALITY CONTROL OF THEIR CONTENT
Duh! and thanks effing god! I speaks what I speaks adn hows I's' wanting to. I means peeps don't want to read stuff if it's fowled with grammatical stuffin. Our shit is shit, and nothing more, read at your own risk. the peeps musst alls be wrong.

MOST OF WHAT'S IN THE WINE BLOGOSPHERE IS RUBBISH
Once again, "Claire", we know this and that's why we produce it. We love this rubbish, and so will you once you drink the blog flavored Koolaid!

WINE BLOGGERS DON'T DELIVER FRESH IDEAS
"Claire", I'm warming up to you. You really nailed it. Like a vulture to its offspring, we regurgitate the crap that wine rags feed us, and we do it with a smile, while bending over as the great Wine and Spirit in the sky feeds us its well crafted sustenance.

Needless to say, all this quoting has been tough while wearing my bling, wait a second...I need to remove...a ring...or two.....ok, better. Now that we have debunked some of the above, and reinforced a point or two, I want to move back to "Claire's" original article. In it, "Claire" provides for us weak-kneed, industry shills, some do's and dont's of wine blogging. Thank god, because I was really hoping to learn something from this Master of Journalistic Ethics. Pay attention all of you wine bloggers, this could save your blog, and maybe your life:

The below is a direct quote from Wine and Spirit with my comments intermingled.

Do's and don't of wine blogging - (As told by a non-blogger)

Do's

n Find a niche. Some of the best sites specialise in an aspect of wine such as fortheloveofport.com or burgundy-report.com

Perfect! Two NON-WINE BLOGS/NON-BLOGS to illustrate your first point.

n Find fresh subjects to discuss in an engaging way

Like this post of yours that discusses a group of people who have been writing about wine for 4 yrs now?

n Check punctuation, spelling, grammar and facts

Punctuation, spelling and grammar, I agree with, but in reference to facts, I ask that you first review yours before asking me to review mine. Oh WAIT, I DO! (reference "tip number 1 re: niches)

n Try to move up the Google rankings by choosing relevant keywords and headlines, interesting and newsy content and setting up link exchanges. Tagging key words and blog rolls also help s

Oops, print publication had trouble with the new internets and seems to have posted a half thought...

n Update regularly

More than monthly? Quarterly? What works for you?

Don't -The best part

n Rehash old content. Find your own voice

Like this great headline from the front page of your site:

What's the difference between vodka and water?

They've always looked the same. But now, as Graham Holter discovers, (this was actually on the home page when I visited it earlier today!)

Just in case your wondering, I figured this one out in my first year of college!

n Over-edit. The appeal of a blog is its immediate and interactive appeal, but see above

Ok. I'm confused, but then again, I'm not the journalist. What are we doing, trying to strike a balance between over and under? I do remember a drinking game from college called over and under, also think that is where I learned the difference between water and vodka.

n Just put up tasting notes. It's boring

Your right it is boring. (please click these links, really, it's soooooo worth it.)

n Be too trivial - keep it real instead

See comment about Vodka above...

n Over-do the technology. Better to keep it simple and effective

You have no problem there, nor do we! Then again, I've never seen a super blog. Maybe my newfound bling can create one and then we can watch and see if new technology is as important as content.

In the end, technology and blogging has given this article, and "Claire", more readers than she would ever have had from print and the internet combined. Fermentation alone has brought her thousands of new readers, and here at Wine-ing 2.0, we are proud to add our 5,000,0000 loyal fans (subtract the '0's).

Until next time, signing off...the Schill you call, Overoaked!

Opus One Winecellar Plagued by Beavers

Late last night it was revealed that the famous California estate Opus One, has publicly acknowledged an infestation of beavers in their barrel room. "We never knew that beavers enjoyed wine so much, " stated assistant wine maker Mai Whynesoverpriced, "It wasn't until we noticed the large teeth marks in some of the barrels that we thought to investigate."

Evidently, beavers are big fans of wine, and as naturalist, Ranger Rick, can attest to, "They are a son of a bitch to get rid of. Once they begin setting up their dams, it takes either a lot of dynamite, or a long wait till they are gone."

Currently, Opus One's barrel room is closed to visitors, while winery officials decide on a plan of attack. Yet, wineries are remaining vigilant, as they begin to safeguard against beavers entering their own cellars. "I guess the California wine lake, or in this case, beaver pond, could move from metaphor to reality. We really need to be on top of this while it is isolated to one winery," quoted by wine maker Paul Draper of Ridge Winery.

Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you up to date on any further developments as they develop.

Male Bloggers Support Female Bloggers' Right to Bare Chests (and Turn Web Cams On)

Earlier today, that un-toned blog-bashing bitch, known to the losers in the wine blogging community only as Flabby Chard, reported that female bloggers are exposing some sort of inequity by exposing their tatas.

As pathetic and unecessary as this whole boob-baring bimo of a project may be, the male blogging community has shouted a Mountain Dew-drench cry from their Dungeons and Dragons-decorated cubicles in support of these girls, which in many cases are the only females these blogger dorks talk to.

Flabby, or as I like to call her Tubby McGreasy, did miss one important factor in this event when she asked her readers (who are really only reading this for MY commentary afterall):

"Who's going to see these gals? Correct me if I'm wrong here, which I never am, but isn't blogging typically carried out in a small office with the shades drawn and doors shut?"

Um, ever heard of a webcam, Flabaliscious? You know that each and every one of these shut-in female bloggers has a webcam. That's how they "date" these days. They do their makeup and hair, pour a glass of wine for themselves and have virtudates with these never-kissed-a-girl male bloggers, who have decidedly not done their hair...or showered...in weeks.

Here's to you, female bloggers. Fight for your right to be recognized for your boobs, I mean blogs. And for the love of god, turn on your web cams. You've got them. Flaunt them, right? We're right behind you. Or is it in front of you? It doens't matter.

And virgin losers, if you miss the show, I'm sure these fame-starved floozies will post their videos up on YouTube in no time.

So Dr. Debs, do you have anything to "teach" us tomorrow? Strumerika, gonna show us the family goblets? And we all hope that Jill bares her domaine for all the world to see. I'd mention Sonodora, but she might be underage. No one is really sure.

As they used to say at the college parties after a half keg of shitty beer and a garbage can filled with grain punch "Show us your t*ts!"

Female Bloggers Bare Breasts in Protest

Miami, Florida - A group of female wine bloggers are making waves by announcing their intent to go topless on Tuesday, April 8th to protest against what they call "gender-biased blogging".

"About 40 women have joined the network to stage a topless protest," said Naked Sommelier, one of the founders of the Female Bloggers Alliance.

"For centuries, women have been ostracized, oppressed and played second fiddle to men, but through our female solidarity, we have bound together to show our unity, our passion for equality and our human right to be seen and heard," espoused Naked Sommelier, fist raised high while standing on a computer chair in her Upper Eastside Miami home. "Tomorrow, we will bare our chests in defiance for one full day while we blog!"

For over a year now, female bloggers have been asking for equal representation, feeling as if men are consciously not including them in forums, chat rooms, blog rolls and awards. As a result, Carol B, the cofounder of the Female Blogger Alliance, has decided to join women together in protest by blogging topless on April 8th.

"I was one of about 400 women in 1968 from the New York Radical Women that were involved in a demonstration at the Atlantic City Convention Hall. I was there when a Freedom Trash Can was placed on the ground, and filled with bras, high-heeled shoes, false eyelashes, girdles, curlers, corsets, and other items thought to be 'instruments of torture'. Tomorrow, we will do the same again. We will throw off our bra in protest against misogyny! Against inequality! Against male oppression!" spoken from Dr. Debs by video conference yesterday, alongside Smells Like Grape, Gabriella from Catavino, Carol B from Pure Sugar, Sandy from Celebrate Wine and Alice from Veritas en Vino.

Although this reporter supports gender equality, I can't help but point out the obvious flaw in this incredibly passionate plan: who's going to see these gals? Correct me if I'm wrong here, which I never am, but isn't blogging typically carried out in a small office with the shades drawn and doors shut? I mean, come on darlin', if you really wanted to get some attention, why not blog topless with your laptops out in a park? Wear your birthday suit while twittering in front of the Sears Tower! Just get out of your house and put some color on that pale blogger buttocks of yours!

I digress, if you'd like to support the female blogger effort, feel free to leave a comment below telling us where you'll be baring your chest to stick it to the man!

This sums us up.

Robert Parker Moves Reviews to Twitter

In a surprising turn of events Robert Parker, head of the infamous Wine Advocate has opted to move all his reviews from this day forward to the popular micro blogging tool, Twitter. "I'm sick of the publishing costs, "says Mr. Parker, "We've just heard that a demand for the manila envelope colored paper we like to use is going to rise, and we don't want to get stuck with having to resort to white." Many in the wine world take this as a sign that old media is turning to embrace new media, but when asked Bob the Wine Guy stated, "Naw, it's more because of all the whining that happens over at eRobertParker on the forum, you see most of the dinosaurs in there will never fully understand this Twitter thing, and after I move to Twitter, I won't have to listen to the whining any more." When asked if he understood Twitter, Bob I likey de Wine Parker said with emphasis, "No, but really how hard can it be. It will also help me to refine my tasting notes, and use less of the fluff that I've become known for."

We here at Wine-ing 2.0 are for one happy to hear about this.... well...truthfully.... GODDAMN you PARKER!!! Who do you think you are. We find something that we can control and now you want a piece? Well F*&#! off, this is our turf, and we don't roll like that. Old media can kiss our a**! The Twit to the Blog to the OWC...this is for the New Media, and we tough like that...So go back to your ink well and quill and leave us to the fancy l33t speak.

Reporting for Wine-ing 2.0, this is Over Oaked(Yeah I know the name implies it, but I'm NOT Parkers Bitch!), until next time....and remember Wine Bloggers are losers, but at least we're not old media.

MonkuWine is Insane!

April 3, 2008 -- 'For a cartoon character to be a success, it must have the face of a circle, the brains of a chimpanzee, the figure of a cardboard box and voice of a helium infused five year old," says Trey Parker and Matt Stone of the Colorado based animation, South Park.

That said, let's look at the world renowned Budo Kun. Right now, he's in the spot light starting with his scandalous sexual escapades to his ingenious escape from police custody. I'm proud of how I've crafted Domaine 547's mascot to be the MacGyver he is, capable of evading even the most dangerous of situations; but let's be clear, honey, I'm sane enough to know he's not real.

But tragedy follows in the wake of this character, effecting the sanity of wine bloggers far and wide. Take MonkuWine of the southern California blog, One Wine Per Week. Having spent a ridiculous amount time and energy writing about Budo Kun's whereabouts, to date, the poor sod still believes he's real.

When Jill was asked how she will respond to the hijacking of her mascot, she replied, "I don't know, the guy is weird. I've asked him on several occasions to lay off my frickin' drawing, but he won't let up. He's crazy. I mean look at his blog! Budo Kun is not the first character this guy believes is real. He's even written a story with Charlie Brown and Lucy talking about wine! There has got to be something in the DSM that covers that behavior."

Interestingly, there is. In the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a delusion is defined as:

A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person's culture or subculture

Now, let's put this in blogging terms:

A FALSE belief that Budo Kun exists in reality despite the fact that all normal human beings around MonkuWine CONFIRM his NONEXISTENCE and despite our pleas for MonkuWine to check himself into the psych ward, he CONTINUES to believe Budo Kun is REAL!

When asking Dr. Vino about MonkuWine's condition, he stated that currently, wine bloggers worldwide are debating the best way to have an intervention with MonkuWine. "We care about him, and want him to be safe, but the only way that's going to happen is if he accepts his complete and utter insanity."

Wine Blog Wednesday Goes Corporate

In a move to expand his ever growing empire New York King, Lenn Thompson of the all caps, LENNDEVOURS, has sold out. Starting with WBW#44, the ever popular wine blogging meme will see corporate sales tied to the event. Host Gary "I'll say anything to sell my wine" Vay-ner-chuck will be hosting this month with the theme, "French Cabernet Franc". "We noticed that the Chinon shelf was seeing a drop in sales so we figured what the hell, let's open up some of this sh**" stated Gary "thunder" Vaynerchuck, "I mean someone somewhere likes this, so I figured, why not yell about it for a half hour and see if sales increase."

Reports have it that in exchange for this blantant sell out, LENNDEVOURS will be aquiring surplus cases of Long Island wines that Gary has given up on trying to sell. "No one want's this industrial waste anyways," stated Gary the VEE-ner-chuck.

Future Wine Blog Wednesday themes aimed to bring in a buck include:

• Budweiser it ain't wine, but let's see if it has terroir
  
• Wines with furry animals produced by Constellation
• Mondavi, the empire, taste our juice
• Franzia vs Chuck, a show down at the bottom shelf saloon
  

Does the Couple Behind Catavino Even Know Where Spain Is?

"What do you mean Iberia? Isn't that in Russia somewhere?"

So asked a confused Ryan Opaz, co-founder of the supposed Iberian wine blog, Catavino.net, in an interview with Wine Specator's Shady McWinesnob when asked how it felt to be the English-language wine blog covering the wines of Spain.

It seems to this reporter that they may be covering Spain, but they have no f*cking idea where it is.

Mr. Opaz's wife, and fellow faker, Gabriella, also stated in the interview that Madrid was in Southern California and that Seville is a famous barbershop. She didn't know where the shop was however.

In the aftermath of this sure-to-be devastating interview, rumors Internet swirled like a glass of Vino Verhde that the Opazes have never actually been to Spain -- let alone lived there -- and that they may not even be able to point it out on a map of Europe.

Rumblings that the photographs from Catavino's recent "trip to Rioja" are merely authentic photographs that they 'borrowed' from fellow Flickr fans pose a further theat to any credibility the site has.

I guess Chateau Petrogasm isn't the only blog willing to blatantly steal photos on the Web and make them its own.

Repeated emails sent to thse Spanish Opaz-sters have been ignored. Is that an admission of guilt?

Perhaps they are sitting on their rooftop deck -- in Florida -- drinking Scuppernog?

Wine-ing 2.0 Comes clean - The truth behind the authors

Finally due to outside pressure the authors of Wine-ing 2.0 have decided to fess up as it were. They've realized now the damage that they are inflicting upon the once calm Wine Blogging landscape. Blogger turning against blogger, friend against friend, it's so sad.

Well actually it isn't. We're loving it, we love the dialog and debate, the back and forth, and the waste of blogging columns, twitter feeds, and IM bandwidth that has been realized since the start. We hope that this continues, and helps to further clog the tubes of this here internet. Try writing something interesting and maybe we won't have to continue to wound you and your delicate ego's. Give me a tasting note with balls, yes, balls.

Here at Wine-ing 2.0 we strive for the absurd, and we hope we've hit our mark. We do want to warn you though that this is just the start. We're still in our warm up sweats, and we have yet to line up for the main event. If you think you've been let off easy, well stay tuned. We will bring down wine blogging as we know it. The internet will bend to our will, wine blogging will OBEY!!!!

So go now, and taste another wine for your precious WBW, and tell us something we don't know. By the way, there are 3 of us. One will continue covering gossip, one breaking news and analysis, and well we have one asshole, who really just can't be nice at all. So there...get ready, get set, let's go!

Kathleen Lisson is Smarter Than a 5th Grader

With the launch of her new vlog, Wine Bookshelf TV, the always-witty Kathleen Lisson -- a Gary Vaynerchuk stalker, groupie and wannabe -- brought the entire wine world to its knees and put it into a coma.

Lisson, a prolific vlogging newcomer known for publishing multple 30-second video clips that don't offer much value to anyone with an IQ over 30 has decided to take on her "pretend boyfriend" Gary Vaynerchuk head-on with Wine Bookshelf TV, an online TV show intended to educate the moronic.


Her advanced knowledge of all things wine is on display most fervently in "How to open and uncork a bottle of wine" an episode clearly aimed at under-age drinkers who may or may not be mentally retarded. In it, she shows those with a 5th-grade intelect how to use a common corkscrew, and then pours the newly opened white wine into a red wine glass.


Apparently she hasn't seen her own show on "How to choose the correct wine glass."

With nuggets of wisdom like "this cork can be used to recork the bottle of wine after you drink it" this wine educator, blogger, and superstar in the making is carving out a new market that few wineries have exploited to date -- the very young and the very stupid.

Wine-Blog-Itis Virus is Airborn

This summer, a team of virus hunters will journey to the unexplored territories of the US, the UK, Italy, France, Spain and Walla Walla, Washington, to explore what they call "hot zones"—sites where a deadly new virus has emerged making wine bloggers believe fictional cartoon characters exist. In all the locations, the common enemy is the Wine-Blog-Itis virus, or a close relative, like a third cousin. The Wine-Blog-Itis broke out in California in March of 2008, known to be transmitted by social networking tools such as Twitter, Facebook, and the OWC. Within weeks, it spread to people. The final human death toll was less than zero, but the rate of delusion hitting wine bloggers everwhere has reached well into the thousands.

Now the virus hunters are on the move to learn why and how the Wine-Blog-Itis virus strikes. Their research can help head off not only this deadly virus, but also other virulent diseases that break out suddenly to plague both man and blogger.

To curtail the initial Wine-Blog-Itis outbreak, Wordpress shut down 100 wine blogs—decimating the local wine industry.

"We want to know what changes drove this virus to emerge in the first place," says Joel Vincent, executive director of the Open Wine Consortium, a research group that focuses on diseased wine afficianados, based in the San Fransico Bay, California. "What conditions allowed this virus to jump from computers to bloggers?"

Joel Vincent believes that the virus initially hit with the creation of a cartoon character named Budo Kun of Internet wine retailer, Domaine 547. "What's interesting, is that in a very short time frame, wine bloggers everwhere had reported seeing this cartoon character in a taxi, at a party, fraternizing with other non-existant animals, hanging with Britney Spears and jet-sking. It's a cartoon for God's sake!!"

Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you current as we receive more information on the recent developments.

Fermentation Finished? Time For Malolactic

Tom Wark author of the popular wine blog Fermentation, has surprised fans by suggesting that Fermentation is finally finished, and that it was time to get this blog into oak. "I never knew how long I would need to ferment this blog, but I think it's about done," stated Tom, "I just hope that I don't have innoculate the site to jump start Malo" Staying true to his penchant for Bourbon, his new site will undergo aging in American oak 2/3's new oak and 1/3 1 yr old oak. Seeing that there is no current information on the effects of long term aging on a wine blogs popularity, Tom has vowed to sample at regular intervals to make sure that the balance remains. Though he has agreed to leave the final blend to a panel of judges. The final blend will be 70% Tom's choosing and 30% random drunk bloggers opinions who are found hanging out down at the neighborhood liquor store. "This way I can learn from the common blogger on his likes and dislikes, " stated Tom, while holding up two fingers crossed in front of him.

Winecast set to launch Winecasting

Tim Elliot of Winecast.net is quoted in today's Twitter feed suggesting that he may open a new site, Winecasting. Set to launch during the fishing opener in Minnesota the site will be directed towards fishing, and sitting in boats. "I figure why not, maybe we'll focus on some show's where we pair fish with wine, but really it's going to be all about catching a buzz in the middle of a lake" says Tim. It is not yet known if there will be a podcasting element to the new site, but sources close to Tim suggest that no, it's really just going to be about sitting in a boat catching a buzz.

American Wine Blog Awards 2008 Winners Announced -- Nobody Who Didn't Win Gives a Shit

The wine world yawned and reached for its collective pillow today as Tom Wark of Wark Communications announced the winners of the 2008 American Wine Blog Awards.

The results of year's awards, which have been cold-soaking in controversy for weeks, and are filled with few surprises. But there were some winners of lesser, not-as-popular awards not mentioned in the news release. Luckily, we were able to get our hands on a copy of the final results:

• The "Best Program Created Mainly to Boost Traffic to His Own Blog Award": Tom Wark of Fermentation for the AWBAs.

• The "Biggest Crybaby About the Awards Award": Jill of Domaine547 for all her endless bitching.

• The "I'm Making Piles of Money and Actually Making an Impact with My Vlog Award": Gary Vaynerchuk of WineLibraryTV.com for not being Grape Radio and rating what he sells.

• The "I Say I Don't Care About Awards But It's Clear That I Do Award": To Lenn from LennDevours for telling everyone he doesn't care, but we all know he does.

• The "Most Award-Winning Blog That No One Actually Reads Award": Steve Bachmann's The Wine Collector for, well, winning a lot of awards even though no one ever heard of him or his blog.

• The "Best Wine 2.0 Application that no one knows exsists" Joel with Wine life today. Does anyone ever go there?

• The "Most Subjects Covered on a Single-Subject Blog Award": Dr. Debs of Good Wine Under $20 for covering multiple subjects on her single-subject wine blog.

• The "Lifetime Achievement award" In only 4 years, a lifetime to some, we have a winner for the greatest wine blogger ever!!! Alder Yarrow of Vinography, Alder you can now retire, and go back to drinking sake full time. We've had enough.

• The "Best Stolen Photo Weblog" Chateau Petrogasm who's 'graphics' appear to be other people's photos.

• The "Funniest Blog That Pokes Fun at How Seriously Wine Bloggers Take Themselves": Over Oaked, Over Extracted and Flabby Chard from Wine-ing 2.0.

We'd like to thank everyone who voted for us in this, the most important category. We couldn't have done it with all of the pompous, insecure, wine-soaked losers in the wine blogging community. Thank you!

Dr. Vino: He's NOT a doctor and he doesn't like wine.

On Saturday night, a pathetic scene unfolded at Manhattan wine bar Il Truli as Tyler Colman, the pathetic poser behind the wine blog DrVino.com, was dining alone when a nearby bar customer slumped from his stool, the apparent victim of a minor heart attack.

One would think that Colman, being a 'doctor' and all, was at the right place at the right time for this poor gentleman. One would be wrong.

Instead of rushing to the man's aid, Colman -- according to our sources -- simply squealed "Oh my gosh, is there a doctor? Call a doctor!" as he fumbled with his mobile phone.

It turns out that Colman isn't a doctor at all, having never set foot inside a medical school (not even one in the Bahamas). He isn't even a man-nurse or even an EMT. No he only has a PhD in Late Night Television Studies from the University of Northern South Missouri State A&M.

Even more disturbing to the wine blogging community is that Colman was caught sipping a Birra Moretti, an Italian-made beer, rather than his supposed favorite beverage -- wine.

That's right folks. Dr. Vino isn't a wine-loving doctor. He just plays one on the Internet.

It is just this sort of deception that will hold wine blogging back. Glossy wine magazines like Wine Spectator are much more trustworthy. Keep buying them and buying only the wines they rate highly. Clearly wine bloggers cannot be trusted.

The restaurant patron was rushed to a nearby hospital and is recovering nicely. We wish we could say the same for Colman's 'reputation.'

El Jefe of Twitsted Oak Winery Caught Choking Chicken

Reports are starting to come in that noted wine maker and wine rack aficionado is being accused of choking a chicken at his Twisted Oak estate. Early reports suggest that there may have been more than one chicken involved though that remains yet to be confirmed. Known for his love of rubber fowl, this accusation of live chicken torture is somewhat disturbing. Some close to the Twisted Oak Winery, where el Jefe is in charge of the main twitter feed and el Bloggo Torcido, suggest that it started out when el Jefe became frustrated with the lack of good wine racks in the area. "He does have a lot of wine, and is always looking for better racking to have on hand in the case of emergencies" said rubber chicken packer Ivanna Nujob.

Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you up todate with all the latest news as it develops in this truly bizarre turn of events. Calaveras County may never be the same again.

US Government set to launch new Image based labeling laws

According to inside sources the US government, in a surprising show of bureaucracy, has decided to move away from the standard wine labeling system currently used to an image based system. Starting in early 2009, all labels will no longer be allowed to use text to describe the wine, or it's health warnings but rather an elaborate set of what can only be called pictographs to communicate with the customer. "We've found that most people after consuming a bottle or two of wine can't read anyways" stated FDA pleaby Mike (I have a worthless art degree) Johnson.

Symbols will include pictures of pregnant ladies, with red bars across their bellies, and an image of a car pile up with a question mark next to it. "We really hope that people have fun with these new images, I mean really who doesn't know they shouldn't drink and drive? In the end we hope these images liven up parties with their charade like qualities" added Mike.

In addition to warning labels, all text will also be removed from the description on the label to allow more people access to the wineries suggestions of food pairings. "If you don't speaky the English, you can't properly pair your wine with food by using today's labels. I mean really all immigrants should be able to find the right Pinot to go with their tacos!" continued Mike, "It's about democracy of the senses" No immigrants were available for comment, though various hand gestures we're spotted.

Wineries responded with a pictograph laced petition to the FDA, that due to it's graphic nature can not be shown on this site.

Budo Kun Escapes Police Custody

In handcuffs, humming Bitter Wine by Bon Jovi, Budo Kun wore a poker face, showing no remorse for his actions as he stepped out of the police car. Stumbling across the sidewalk into a throng of Critter supporters holding signs saying, "Bestiality is Beautiful" and "Not All Men Like Bush".

Budo Kun looked to the crowd with a single tear rolling down his cheek he screamed, "I am proud to love furries!". And with inhuman strength, he broke free from his shackles. Kicking the police officer's ankle with his stubby foot, Bodo Kun scuttled through the crowd, down Oak Street and into a taxi.

"It was incredible. He's just...just...so dreamy. I mean, it was like, oh my god, so cool how he broke free from those metal rings and all. He's just so hot!" reported cow from Prairie Estate Winery.

Admitting their powerlessness to the press, the police immediately called in for military reinforcements.

"This guy is no match for us. Clearly, his sexual prowess is helping in some way that we have yet to understand," said Police Office Russel Jerk.

Two hours later, our reporter Sandy Saucepot called in with this report, "Flabby Chard, we're sending you a picture of what appears to be Budo Kun with a gun at the wharf. We are told by the National Guard that he is holding at least one hostage, but confirmation has not been given as of yet. "

Weak Dollar, New 6-Tier Distribution to Do In Dr. Debs?

The U.S. dollar's pathetic trend downard against foreign currency, especially the Euro, could spell doom for well-liked and award-nominated wine blog, Good Wine Under $20, run by Dr. Debs. The blog, which chronicles the poor professors poverty-driven patrol for 'good' wines at affordable prices, is a relative newcomer on the blogging nerd scene.

The ever-escalating prices of non-U.S. wines may soon threaten her target niche.

Mr. Takur Monai, iron-fisted Czar of the U.S. Wine Distributor ASSociation agrees, telling Wine-ing 2.0 that "Between the weak dollar and the new six-tier distribution system we're forching through Congress via bribes, blackmail and murder, you won't be able to get your hands on any wine for less than $45. And if you want a bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel, it's going to cost you at least $60." This new six-tier system, which Monai openly admits take money from wineries, wine shops and consumers alike, is expected to be in place by 2009, Mr. Monai said from the poop deck of his 300-foot yacht.

What is to come of Dr. Debs and her blog? Only time will tell.

Budo Kun's Secret Love Affair

Domaine 547's Budo Kun was caught in a sting operation last night videotaping the Little Penguin having sexual relations with Yellow Tail on the fifth floor of the Shangri-La Hotel in Sydney. Captain Brain Hammond of the Sidney police department reports that they have been zeroing in on the underground critter sex ring for over two years now, but it wasn't until they found remnants of Budo Kun's wine stains on the hotel rug last week that they had substantial evidence to move forward with the case. "It was quite the break actually. If it wasn't for the hotel calling us in as a result of those wine stains, there's no way we would have honed in on their location."

"We're all surprised quite frankly," states the Barrington Estates Buzzard, "we had no idea that Budo Kun was in to that stuff. As far as we knew, he was in a church going type of guy."

As shock and awe runs through the critter community, we tried to get a hold of Budo Kun this morning, but he was not available for comment.

However, Bobcat from Selby Winery, a longtime friend of Budo Kuns, was quoted this morning saying, "Man, this news doesn't surprise me. He's always trying to buck the system dude. I mean, one minute he's dissing the Blog Awards and the next he's participating in bestiality. I love him man, cus' he's my buddy, but this stuff has gotten a little freaky, you know what I mean?!"

All three were brought into the police station last night for questioning.

Gary Vaynerchuck Takes Down Twitter with Happiness

Yesterday evening Twitter.com, the popular micro blogging service, was victim yet again to the joy that is in Gary Vaynerchuck's heart. In a avalanche of twitter updates Gary, host of Wine Library TV, single handedly brought down the entire grid with his announcements of joy about the miracle we call life. This combined with a recent release of his popular show where he updated 35times in under 1 minute, explaining how this show quote "Is bringing the thunder more than any other thunder show, I love my peeps! Spread the love link>>", amounted to a recipe for disaster. Gary explained to us, "I just can't help it when I get so excited to be alive I just need to tell everyone, again, and again, and again...I love you, and you and you!"

Twitter's programmers, have vowed to install virtual (GaryVEE)circut breakers to help deal with further outages due to Gary's over powering love. Anytime Twitter detects more than 10 incoming tweets from Gary the entire system will be put into a holding pattern, until his love is properly quarantined. Quoting a pleabee at Twitter headquarters, "We hope that while Gary's love does make the wine world go round, that it won't put Twitter down any more!"

Winehiker Lost in Napa Back Country

Search parties are starting to form at this hour as bloggers everywhere begin to deal with the fact that the Winehiker appears to be lost. Approximately 2 hours ago, the wine blogger, who goes by the alias Winehiker, twitter feed went dead, suggesting that he may have hiked too far past the nearest cell towers. Known for his jaunts around California wine country, search parties are focusing their efforts today in the Napa valley, but so far no luck. "We found some nice pinot noir bottles sitting next to a makeshift fire ring" one of the searchers said, "We thought he might have tried an impromptu wine tasting, but it just appears to have been left over from rowdy gourmands that we're up here last week."
Police have asked people to remain calm and to not, they repeat, to not continue to refresh their twitter page. Winehiker will be found.

Wine Injuries: Vinography's Alder Yarrow Sprains Tongue at Rhone Rangers 2008

Alder Yarrow, superstart wine blogger, publisher of Vinography.com and all-round good guy, sustained a third-degree sprain of his Styloglossus muscle while tasting his 3,467th wine at Rhone Rangers 2008 over the weekend. The Styloglossus is a major muscle within the tongue.

Yarrow, known for his ability to taste thousands of upon thousands of wines withing a 30-minute period and rate each on a 10-point scale, is recovering at his San Francisco home. The California wine community was stunned when Yarrow first sustained the injury. Rumors swirled that he'd be forced to taste more slowly or -- heaven forbid -- skip a large-scale wine tasting event, but he is now expected to fight -- and taste -- through the injury, much to the chagrin of his doctor, Dr. Tungs R. Soare.

When we contacted Yarrow for comment, he said -- through his publicist -- that "I'm resting and tasting comfortably right now, drinking water and Napa cab. The cab's over-the-top fruit and lack of acid seem to help, despite the agressive tannins."

New California Wine - 2x4 Set to Launch in US

Constellation brands announced yesterday their intent to launch the new wine brand 2x4. Quoting Henry Woodbottom, sales manager for the East Coast, "We've found that there are people who seem to find too much fruit in there wines." The wine a blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Petite Sirah, and surprisingly Greek grape Agiorgitko, and will be aged in Oak for 48months, with plans to rotate the wine to entirely new barrels every 3-4weeks. "We know the wine will be expensive," said Woodbottom "But we feel that our customers who are fruit-phobic will be willing to pay the extra costs." Estimated costs are around $1299/btl with a total production of 2 cases.

Early reports suggest the noted wine guru Robert Parker has staked his claim to futures of the wine, available only to a super secret mailing list that our sources say, "mortals are not allowed access to."