Friday, April 11, 2008
Decanter reports that the famous cartoon mascots are currently hitting the Help Wanted pages, fired after recent fears that their "cute" appearance may influence children to drink. In a recent interview with both Hippo and Hedgehog on Nightline, they stated their concerns that the wine industry is being hypocritical.
"After a decade of having a glass of wine glued to my hoof, spending ridiculous amounts of money on dermatologist bills, and now they want me to give it all up because their largest export market, the UK, fears that children are associating a hippo drinking wine as a seductive message?! I find it ludicrous, especially when Budo Kun's making international headlines for his recent sexual escapades, yet that's not influencing kids to drink? He's a fu**** wine bottle for Christ's sake! Yet Hedgehog and I are seen as the anti-christs! When was the last time you associated my big ass with a fantastic bottle of wine?"
Hedgehog followed up his best friend's comments by stating his own frustrations with the blatantly apparent hypocrisy. "My personal take isn't as dramatic as my buddy's, as Chile is already negotiating a new contract with us, but I'm definitely seeing something more underhanded going on here. If this were truly about children's well-being, don't you think our friends posing on wine bottles internationally would also be out of a job? But nooo, while bull, kangaroo and little penguin all retain their contracts, we're out of work. So I'm not led to believe this is for "the good of the young", no, I'm seeing this more as outright prejudism against hippos and hedgehogs!!!"
The press agent for Côtes du Rhône would not comment, although recent reports of violence against hippos and hedgehogs has been reported worldwide. The most recent story coming from a man in NZ using innocent hedgehogs as violent weapons against children.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
But let's be honest -- there are a lot of hideous blogs out there -- blogs that despite the apparent passion and desire (for what, we're not always sure) of their authors, just don't work. They are useless, frivolous and not worth the time put into them.
So today Wine-ing 2.0 does all you wine bloggers a service, for free. Today, we identify 5 bloggers who should just give up and leave the wine blogging to those of us with actual talent and knowledge.
Please give up #1: Basic Juice
Mr. Jarvis, you were once a leader in wine blogging circles, but your site has fallen on hard times. Maybe it's because you live in Utah and can't actually buy any wine there. Maybe it's that you've taken third, forth and fifth wives in recent months. Or perhaps you were affected by the recent raids on Mormon compounds. Please shut your blog down, you filthy Old World wine-loving polygamist.
Please give up #2: REthink Wine Blog
Paul, you seem like a nice enough guy. And your blog would actually be useful if winery owners were smart enough to pay attention. But, we'd like you to quit acting like the "Dad" of the wine blogging world. Take a joke and lighten up, okay? And remember, you haven't won an AWBA, have you? Time for a career change. This one just isn't working out for you.
Please give up #3: The Pour
Mr. Asimov, you are so above all of this throw-up writing. We enjoy your weekly column (even if we get sick of hearing about your family, karate class and nick-named tasting group.) Why would you lower yourself to blogging? Is it about ego and a shameless need to be in the spotlight? Stick to print. Bloggers are losers and you aren't one. Please leave blogging immediately.
Please give up #4: Stormhoek
Do I even need to explain this one? The power of wine blogging in action! The next time any of you bloggers think you're important or making an impact, remember Stormhoek. Actually, maybe they've already given up. Friggin' quitters.
Please give up #5: StrumErika.com
Okay, let me get this straight. Daddy's little girl has a job at Wine Enthusiast, but isn't a good enough writer to actually write for them, so we need to read her drivel online. Is that right? Boy, you've got to be one shitty writer if your daddy is the boss and you still can't get paid for doing it. And, StrumErika...are you dyslexic? Nice blog name, resoL.
Honorable mention: She Who Shall Not Be Named
There is one more blog/vlog that we'd love to see shut its doors forever, but we dare not mention the author's name here. Apparently, there are several people who read this blog who take themselves way too seriously and cannot take a joke. The last time She Who Shall Not Be Named was named in a post, there was uproar amongst those uptight few (see #2 above). We'd like She Who Shall Not Be Named to shut down her blog, but you'll never know who she is.
That's it for today folks. Check back next week when we investigate the five wine blogs that are most likely written by children.
"I'm only doing this because I have nothing better to do," stated Lenn Thompson of the mildly interesting wine blog LENNDEVOURS. Turns out Lenn a resident of New York state, only writes about these wines, because they are there. "Most of what I taste is low grade jet fuel, but since most people will never see them on their store shelves, I can say what I want."
"I just got swept in 'Sideways' fever," admits Josh Hermsmeyer of the popular blog Pinotblogger. Turns out Josh doesn't really like this mainstay of the French wine region of Burgundy. "I wish I did, I really do, but in truth given my druthers, I rather sip on a bottle of Manischevitz Concord, a wine I really can get into," continues Mr. Hermsmeyer. Turns out many wine makers were swept up in Sideways fever, a movie that created a furor for the grape Pinot Noir. Likewise the movie also spawned a hatred for the much maligned grape Merlot. Asked what he might do now that he seems stuck with vines of Pinot Noir Mr. Hermsmeyer replied, "Well, I guess I need to see if I can make something drinkable from it. Really it's pretty weak as a wine grape in my opinion." Rumors have it that Josh has toyed with fortifying his wine to produce a sweet dessert offering, or possibly selling it off in bulk and buying his beloved Concord from third party grape growers.
Pinotblogger.com the domain, for now, is doomed to be written by a non-believer. It's believed that Mr. Hermsmeyer has offered the domain for sale, but so far there are no takers.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tom tends to hold bloggers up as the "future" of wine writing, and he doesn't like the idea that "Claire" is wary of us wine bloggers. To quote from Tom's quote of "Claire's" article, I want to illustrate and comment about these quotes, with a few of my own quotes that you are free to quote in your own follow ups to this wonderful article. And I quote...
WINE BLOGGERS ARE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!
No Shit Tom! How do you think I afford my Hummer for when I go tasting in the vineyards, or the crystal decanters I use for my wine. Of course, I use a new one each time to avoid off flavors from one wine to the next. We are bought and paid for and that's why there are SO MANY of us "professionals" rolling at the wine functions with our Bling Bling!
WINE BLOGS ARE REGULARLY INFILTRATED BY WINERIES POSTING GREAT REVIEWS OF THEIR OWN WINES ON OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOG
Well now, I do have agree with her. I mean, on my non-wine-ing blog, we always invite wineries to write their own reviews. With so much bling weighing down my fingers, I don't have the time or the energy to type.
YOU CAN'T TELL WHAT CONTENT ON A WINE BLOG IS INDEPENDENT AND WHAT IS PAID FOR.
Good point, though I guess I can't tell what content in a magazine is bought and paid for either, so I'll give "Claire" a point for this one. And in reality, all of our content at Wine-ing 2.0 is bought and paid for. In fact, Wine-ing has just signed a million dollar contract with Google to be their sole search result when people look for wine advice!
BLOGS HAVE NO QUALITY CONTROL OF THEIR CONTENT
Duh! and thanks effing god! I speaks what I speaks adn hows I's' wanting to. I means peeps don't want to read stuff if it's fowled with grammatical stuffin. Our shit is shit, and nothing more, read at your own risk. the peeps musst alls be wrong.
MOST OF WHAT'S IN THE WINE BLOGOSPHERE IS RUBBISH
Once again, "Claire", we know this and that's why we produce it. We love this rubbish, and so will you once you drink the blog flavored Koolaid!
WINE BLOGGERS DON'T DELIVER FRESH IDEAS
"Claire", I'm warming up to you. You really nailed it. Like a vulture to its offspring, we regurgitate the crap that wine rags feed us, and we do it with a smile, while bending over as the great Wine and Spirit in the sky feeds us its well crafted sustenance.
Needless to say, all this quoting has been tough while wearing my bling, wait a second...I need to remove...a ring...or two.....ok, better. Now that we have debunked some of the above, and reinforced a point or two, I want to move back to "Claire's" original article. In it, "Claire" provides for us weak-kneed, industry shills, some do's and dont's of wine blogging. Thank god, because I was really hoping to learn something from this Master of Journalistic Ethics. Pay attention all of you wine bloggers, this could save your blog, and maybe your life:
The below is a direct quote from Wine and Spirit with my comments intermingled.
Do's and don't of wine blogging - (As told by a non-blogger)
n Find a niche. Some of the best sites specialise in an aspect of wine such as fortheloveofport.com or burgundy-report.com
Perfect! Two NON-WINE BLOGS/NON-BLOGS to illustrate your first point.
n Find fresh subjects to discuss in an engaging way
Like this post of yours that discusses a group of people who have been writing about wine for 4 yrs now?
n Check punctuation, spelling, grammar and facts
Punctuation, spelling and grammar, I agree with, but in reference to facts, I ask that you first review yours before asking me to review mine. Oh WAIT, I DO! (reference "tip number 1 re: niches)
n Try to move up the Google rankings by choosing relevant keywords and headlines, interesting and newsy content and setting up link exchanges. Tagging key words and blog rolls also help s
Oops, print publication had trouble with the new internets and seems to have posted a half thought...
n Update regularly
More than monthly? Quarterly? What works for you?
Don't -The best part
n Rehash old content. Find your own voice
Like this great headline from the front page of your site:
Just in case your wondering, I figured this one out in my first year of college!
They've always looked the same. But now, as Graham Holter discovers, (this was actually on the home page when I visited it earlier today!)
n Over-edit. The appeal of a blog is its immediate and interactive appeal, but see above
Ok. I'm confused, but then again, I'm not the journalist. What are we doing, trying to strike a balance between over and under? I do remember a drinking game from college called over and under, also think that is where I learned the difference between water and vodka.
n Just put up tasting notes. It's boring
n Be too trivial - keep it real instead
See comment about Vodka above...
n Over-do the technology. Better to keep it simple and effective
You have no problem there, nor do we! Then again, I've never seen a super blog. Maybe my newfound bling can create one and then we can watch and see if new technology is as important as content.
Until next time, signing off...the Schill you call, Overoaked!
Late last night it was revealed that the famous California estate Opus One, has publicly acknowledged an infestation of beavers in their barrel room. "We never knew that beavers enjoyed wine so much, " stated assistant wine maker Mai Whynesoverpriced, "It wasn't until we noticed the large teeth marks in some of the barrels that we thought to investigate."
Evidently, beavers are big fans of wine, and as naturalist, Ranger Rick, can attest to, "They are a son of a bitch to get rid of. Once they begin setting up their dams, it takes either a lot of dynamite, or a long wait till they are gone."
Currently, Opus One's barrel room is closed to visitors, while winery officials decide on a plan of attack. Yet, wineries are remaining vigilant, as they begin to safeguard against beavers entering their own cellars. "I guess the California wine lake, or in this case, beaver pond, could move from metaphor to reality. We really need to be on top of this while it is isolated to one winery," quoted by wine maker Paul Draper of Ridge Winery.
Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you up to date on any further developments as they develop.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Miami, Florida - A group of female wine bloggers are making waves by announcing their intent to go topless on Tuesday, April 8th to protest against what they call "gender-biased blogging".
"About 40 women have joined the network to stage a topless protest," said Naked Sommelier, one of the founders of the Female Bloggers Alliance.
For over a year now, female bloggers have been asking for equal representation, feeling as if men are consciously not including them in forums, chat rooms, blog rolls and awards. As a result, Carol B, the cofounder of the Female Blogger Alliance, has decided to join women together in protest by blogging topless on April 8th.
"I was one of about 400 women in 1968 from the New York Radical Women that were involved in a demonstration at the Atlantic City Convention Hall. I was there when a Freedom Trash Can was placed on the ground, and filled with bras, high-heeled shoes, false eyelashes, girdles, curlers, corsets, and other items thought to be 'instruments of torture'. Tomorrow, we will do the same again. We will throw off our bra in protest against misogyny! Against inequality! Against male oppression!" spoken from Dr. Debs by video conference yesterday, alongside Smells Like Grape, Gabriella from Catavino, Carol B from Pure Sugar, Sandy from Celebrate Wine and Alice from Veritas en Vino.
Although this reporter supports gender equality, I can't help but point out the obvious flaw in this incredibly passionate plan: who's going to see these gals? Correct me if I'm wrong here, which I never am, but isn't blogging typically carried out in a small office with the shades drawn and doors shut? I mean, come on darlin', if you really wanted to get some attention, why not blog topless with your laptops out in a park? Wear your birthday suit while twittering in front of the Sears Tower! Just get out of your house and put some color on that pale blogger buttocks of yours!
I digress, if you'd like to support the female blogger effort, feel free to leave a comment below telling us where you'll be baring your chest to stick it to the man!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
In a surprising turn of events Robert Parker, head of the infamous Wine Advocate has opted to move all his reviews from this day forward to the popular micro blogging tool, Twitter. "I'm sick of the publishing costs, "says Mr. Parker, "We've just heard that a demand for the manila envelope colored paper we like to use is going to rise, and we don't want to get stuck with having to resort to white." Many in the wine world take this as a sign that old media is turning to embrace new media, but when asked Bob the Wine Guy stated, "Naw, it's more because of all the whining that happens over at eRobertParker on the forum, you see most of the dinosaurs in there will never fully understand this Twitter thing, and after I move to Twitter, I won't have to listen to the whining any more." When asked if he understood Twitter, Bob I likey de Wine Parker said with emphasis, "No, but really how hard can it be. It will also help me to refine my tasting notes, and use less of the fluff that I've become known for."
We here at Wine-ing 2.0 are for one happy to hear about this.... well...truthfully.... GODDAMN you PARKER!!! Who do you think you are. We find something that we can control and now you want a piece? Well F*&#! off, this is our turf, and we don't roll like that. Old media can kiss our a**! The Twit to the Blog to the OWC...this is for the New Media, and we tough like that...So go back to your ink well and quill and leave us to the fancy l33t speak.
Reporting for Wine-ing 2.0, this is Over Oaked(Yeah I know the name implies it, but I'm NOT Parkers Bitch!), until next time....and remember Wine Bloggers are losers, but at least we're not old media.
That said, let's look at the world renowned Budo Kun. Right now, he's in the spot light starting with his scandalous sexual escapades to his ingenious escape from police custody. I'm proud of how I've crafted Domaine 547's mascot to be the MacGyver he is, capable of evading even the most dangerous of situations; but let's be clear, honey, I'm sane enough to know he's not real.
But tragedy follows in the wake of this character, effecting the sanity of wine bloggers far and wide. Take MonkuWine of the southern California blog, One Wine Per Week. Having spent a ridiculous amount time and energy writing about Budo Kun's whereabouts, to date, the poor sod still believes he's real.
When Jill was asked how she will respond to the hijacking of her mascot, she replied, "I don't know, the guy is weird. I've asked him on several occasions to lay off my frickin' drawing, but he won't let up. He's crazy. I mean look at his blog! Budo Kun is not the first character this guy believes is real. He's even written a story with Charlie Brown and Lucy talking about wine! There has got to be something in the DSM that covers that behavior."
Interestingly, there is. In the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a delusion is defined as:
A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person's culture or subcultureNow, let's put this in blogging terms:
A FALSE belief that Budo Kun exists in reality despite the fact that all normal human beings around MonkuWine CONFIRM his NONEXISTENCE and despite our pleas for MonkuWine to check himself into the psych ward, he CONTINUES to believe Budo Kun is REAL!When asking Dr. Vino about MonkuWine's condition, he stated that currently, wine bloggers worldwide are debating the best way to have an intervention with MonkuWine. "We care about him, and want him to be safe, but the only way that's going to happen is if he accepts his complete and utter insanity."
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
In a move to expand his ever growing empire New York King, Lenn Thompson of the all caps, LENNDEVOURS, has sold out. Starting with WBW#44, the ever popular wine blogging meme will see corporate sales tied to the event. Host Gary "I'll say anything to sell my wine" Vay-ner-chuck will be hosting this month with the theme, "French Cabernet Franc". "We noticed that the Chinon shelf was seeing a drop in sales so we figured what the hell, let's open up some of this sh**" stated Gary "thunder" Vaynerchuck, "I mean someone somewhere likes this, so I figured, why not yell about it for a half hour and see if sales increase."
Reports have it that in exchange for this blantant sell out, LENNDEVOURS will be aquiring surplus cases of Long Island wines that Gary has given up on trying to sell. "No one want's this industrial waste anyways," stated Gary the VEE-ner-chuck.
Future Wine Blog Wednesday themes aimed to bring in a buck include:
- Budweiser it ain't wine, but let's see if it has terroir
- Wines with furry animals produced by Constellation
- Mondavi, the empire, taste our juice
- Franzia vs Chuck, a show down at the bottom shelf saloon
So asked a confused Ryan Opaz, co-founder of the supposed Iberian wine blog, Catavino.net, in an interview with Wine Specator's Shady McWinesnob when asked how it felt to be the English-language wine blog covering the wines of Spain.
It seems to this reporter that they may be covering Spain, but they have no f*cking idea where it is.
Mr. Opaz's wife, and fellow faker, Gabriella, also stated in the interview that Madrid was in Southern California and that Seville is a famous barbershop. She didn't know where the shop was however.
In the aftermath of this sure-to-be devastating interview, rumors Internet swirled like a glass of Vino Verhde that the Opazes have never actually been to Spain -- let alone lived there -- and that they may not even be able to point it out on a map of Europe.
Rumblings that the photographs from Catavino's recent "trip to Rioja" are merely authentic photographs that they 'borrowed' from fellow Flickr fans pose a further theat to any credibility the site has.
I guess Chateau Petrogasm isn't the only blog willing to blatantly steal photos on the Web and make them its own.
Repeated emails sent to thse Spanish Opaz-sters have been ignored. Is that an admission of guilt?
Perhaps they are sitting on their rooftop deck -- in Florida -- drinking Scuppernog?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Finally due to outside pressure the authors of Wine-ing 2.0 have decided to fess up as it were. They've realized now the damage that they are inflicting upon the once calm Wine Blogging landscape. Blogger turning against blogger, friend against friend, it's so sad.
Well actually it isn't. We're loving it, we love the dialog and debate, the back and forth, and the waste of blogging columns, twitter feeds, and IM bandwidth that has been realized since the start. We hope that this continues, and helps to further clog the tubes of this here internet. Try writing something interesting and maybe we won't have to continue to wound you and your delicate ego's. Give me a tasting note with balls, yes, balls.
Here at Wine-ing 2.0 we strive for the absurd, and we hope we've hit our mark. We do want to warn you though that this is just the start. We're still in our warm up sweats, and we have yet to line up for the main event. If you think you've been let off easy, well stay tuned. We will bring down wine blogging as we know it. The internet will bend to our will, wine blogging will OBEY!!!!
So go now, and taste another wine for your precious WBW, and tell us something we don't know. By the way, there are 3 of us. One will continue covering gossip, one breaking news and analysis, and well we have one asshole, who really just can't be nice at all. So there...get ready, get set, let's go!
Lisson, a prolific vlogging newcomer known for publishing multple 30-second video clips that don't offer much value to anyone with an IQ over 30 has decided to take on her "pretend boyfriend" Gary Vaynerchuk head-on with Wine Bookshelf TV, an online TV show intended to educate the moronic.
Her advanced knowledge of all things wine is on display most fervently in "How to open and uncork a bottle of wine" an episode clearly aimed at under-age drinkers who may or may not be mentally retarded. In it, she shows those with a 5th-grade intelect how to use a common corkscrew, and then pours the newly opened white wine into a red wine glass.
Apparently she hasn't seen her own show on "How to choose the correct wine glass."
With nuggets of wisdom like "this cork can be used to recork the bottle of wine after you drink it" this wine educator, blogger, and superstar in the making is carving out a new market that few wineries have exploited to date -- the very young and the very stupid.
"We want to know what changes drove this virus to emerge in the first place," says Joel Vincent, executive director of the Open Wine Consortium, a research group that focuses on diseased wine afficianados, based in the San Fransico Bay, California. "What conditions allowed this virus to jump from computers to bloggers?"
Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you current as we receive more information on the recent developments.
Tom Wark author of the popular wine blog Fermentation, has surprised fans by suggesting that Fermentation is finally finished, and that it was time to get this blog into oak. "I never knew how long I would need to ferment this blog, but I think it's about done," stated Tom, "I just hope that I don't have innoculate the site to jump start Malo" Staying true to his penchant for Bourbon, his new site will undergo aging in American oak 2/3's new oak and 1/3 1 yr old oak. Seeing that there is no current information on the effects of long term aging on a wine blogs popularity, Tom has vowed to sample at regular intervals to make sure that the balance remains. Though he has agreed to leave the final blend to a panel of judges. The final blend will be 70% Tom's choosing and 30% random drunk bloggers opinions who are found hanging out down at the neighborhood liquor store. "This way I can learn from the common blogger on his likes and dislikes, " stated Tom, while holding up two fingers crossed in front of him.