5 Wine Bloggers Who Should Just Give Up

We all know how wonderful and important the wine blogs of the world are. Just ask Tom, he of the traffic-inducing AWBA programme! Without wine blogs, what would we write about here on this here blog?

But let's be honest -- there are a lot of hideous blogs out there -- blogs that despite the apparent passion and desire (for what, we're not always sure) of their authors, just don't work. They are useless, frivolous and not worth the time put into them.

So today Wine-ing 2.0 does all you wine bloggers a service, for free. Today, we identify 5 bloggers who should just give up and leave the wine blogging to those of us with actual talent and knowledge.

Please give up #1: Basic Juice
Mr. Jarvis, you were once a leader in wine blogging circles, but your site has fallen on hard times. Maybe it's because you live in Utah and can't actually buy any wine there. Maybe it's that you've taken third, forth and fifth wives in recent months. Or perhaps you were affected by the recent raids on Mormon compounds. Please shut your blog down, you filthy Old World wine-loving polygamist.

Please give up #2: REthink Wine Blog
Paul, you seem like a nice enough guy. And your blog would actually be useful if winery owners were smart enough to pay attention. But, we'd like you to quit acting like the "Dad" of the wine blogging world. Take a joke and lighten up, okay? And remember, you haven't won an AWBA, have you? Time for a career change. This one just isn't working out for you.

Please give up #3: The Pour
Mr. Asimov, you are so above all of this throw-up writing. We enjoy your weekly column (even if we get sick of hearing about your family, karate class and nick-named tasting group.) Why would you lower yourself to blogging? Is it about ego and a shameless need to be in the spotlight? Stick to print. Bloggers are losers and you aren't one. Please leave blogging immediately.

Please give up #4: Stormhoek
Do I even need to explain this one? The power of wine blogging in action! The next time any of you bloggers think you're important or making an impact, remember Stormhoek. Actually, maybe they've already given up. Friggin' quitters.

Please give up #5: StrumErika.com
Okay, let me get this straight. Daddy's little girl has a job at Wine Enthusiast, but isn't a good enough writer to actually write for them, so we need to read her drivel online. Is that right? Boy, you've got to be one shitty writer if your daddy is the boss and you still can't get paid for doing it. And, StrumErika...are you dyslexic? Nice blog name, resoL.

Honorable mention: She Who Shall Not Be Named
There is one more blog/vlog that we'd love to see shut its doors forever, but we dare not mention the author's name here. Apparently, there are several people who read this blog who take themselves way too seriously and cannot take a joke. The last time She Who Shall Not Be Named was named in a post, there was uproar amongst those uptight few (see #2 above). We'd like She Who Shall Not Be Named to shut down her blog, but you'll never know who she is.

That's it for today folks. Check back next week when we investigate the five wine blogs that are most likely written by children.

LENNDEVOURS' Thompson Declares: New York Wines SUCK

"I'm only doing this because I have nothing better to do," stated Lenn Thompson of the mildly interesting wine blog LENNDEVOURS. Turns out Lenn a resident of New York state, only writes about these wines, because they are there. "Most of what I taste is low grade jet fuel, but since most people will never see them on their store shelves, I can say what I want."

Most nights Lenn admits he prefers drinking a beer or two before hitting the sack, which has led him to consider blogging about beer instead, "But you see beer is just not snobby enough, and I prefer to think of myself as better than everyone else, Wine allows me to do that." In other surprising news, Lenn has admitted that all of his guest contributors, are just facets of his at times twisted array of multiple personalities. "I know I have a problem, but I like to turn the lemons to lemonade, hence I use my various identities to explore blogging from different angles"

When asking his wife Nena about this she stated "I never know who is going to come home from work at night, but I do know I better have some cold beer waiting for who ever it is"

No one know's what the future will hold for the all-caps endevour of Lenn's, only time will tell. Who knows maybe New York wine will improve and there will be something to write about for real.

Pinot Blogger admits hatred for Pinot Noir

"I just got swept in 'Sideways' fever," admits Josh Hermsmeyer of the popular blog Pinotblogger. Turns out Josh doesn't really like this mainstay of the French wine region of Burgundy. "I wish I did, I really do, but in truth given my druthers, I rather sip on a bottle of Manischevitz Concord, a wine I really can get into," continues Mr. Hermsmeyer. Turns out many wine makers were swept up in Sideways fever, a movie that created a furor for the grape Pinot Noir. Likewise the movie also spawned a hatred for the much maligned grape Merlot. Asked what he might do now that he seems stuck with vines of Pinot Noir Mr. Hermsmeyer replied, "Well, I guess I need to see if I can make something drinkable from it. Really it's pretty weak as a wine grape in my opinion." Rumors have it that Josh has toyed with fortifying his wine to produce a sweet dessert offering, or possibly selling it off in bulk and buying his beloved Concord from third party grape growers.

Pinotblogger.com the domain, for now, is doomed to be written by a non-believer. It's believed that Mr. Hermsmeyer has offered the domain for sale, but so far there are no takers.

Weak Dollar, New 6-Tier Distribution to Do In Dr. Debs?

The U.S. dollar's pathetic trend downard against foreign currency, especially the Euro, could spell doom for well-liked and award-nominated wine blog, Good Wine Under $20, run by Dr. Debs. The blog, which chronicles the poor professors poverty-driven patrol for 'good' wines at affordable prices, is a relative newcomer on the blogging nerd scene.

The ever-escalating prices of non-U.S. wines may soon threaten her target niche.

Mr. Takur Monai, iron-fisted Czar of the U.S. Wine Distributor ASSociation agrees, telling Wine-ing 2.0 that "Between the weak dollar and the new six-tier distribution system we're forching through Congress via bribes, blackmail and murder, you won't be able to get your hands on any wine for less than $45. And if you want a bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel, it's going to cost you at least $60." This new six-tier system, which Monai openly admits take money from wineries, wine shops and consumers alike, is expected to be in place by 2009, Mr. Monai said from the poop deck of his 300-foot yacht.

What is to come of Dr. Debs and her blog? Only time will tell.