Monday, March 31, 2008

Winecast set to launch Winecasting

Tim Elliot of is quoted in today's Twitter feed suggesting that he may open a new site, Winecasting. Set to launch during the fishing opener in Minnesota the site will be directed towards fishing, and sitting in boats. "I figure why not, maybe we'll focus on some show's where we pair fish with wine, but really it's going to be all about catching a buzz in the middle of a lake" says Tim. It is not yet known if there will be a podcasting element to the new site, but sources close to Tim suggest that no, it's really just going to be about sitting in a boat catching a buzz.

American Wine Blog Awards 2008 Winners Announced -- Nobody Who Didn't Win Gives a Shit

The wine world yawned and reached for its collective pillow today as Tom Wark of Wark Communications announced the winners of the 2008 American Wine Blog Awards.

The results of year's awards, which have been cold-soaking in controversy for weeks, and are filled with few surprises. But there were some winners of lesser, not-as-popular awards not mentioned in the news release. Luckily, we were able to get our hands on a copy of the final results:
  • The "Best Program Created Mainly to Boost Traffic to His Own Blog Award": Tom Wark of Fermentation for the AWBAs.
  • The "Biggest Crybaby About the Awards Award": Jill of Domaine547 for all her endless bitching.
  • The "I'm Making Piles of Money and Actually Making an Impact with My Vlog Award": Gary Vaynerchuk of for not being Grape Radio and rating what he sells.
  • The "I Say I Don't Care About Awards But It's Clear That I Do Award": To Lenn from LennDevours for telling everyone he doesn't care, but we all know he does.
  • The "Most Award-Winning Blog That No One Actually Reads Award": Steve Bachmann's The Wine Collector for, well, winning a lot of awards even though no one ever heard of him or his blog.
  • The "Best Wine 2.0 Application that no one knows exsists" Joel with Wine life today. Does anyone ever go there?
  • The "Most Subjects Covered on a Single-Subject Blog Award": Dr. Debs of Good Wine Under $20 for covering multiple subjects on her single-subject wine blog.
  • The "Lifetime Achievement award" In only 4 years, a lifetime to some, we have a winner for the greatest wine blogger ever!!! Alder Yarrow of Vinography, Alder you can now retire, and go back to drinking sake full time. We've had enough.
  • The "Best Stolen Photo Weblog" Chateau Petrogasm who's 'graphics' appear to be other people's photos.
  • The "Funniest Blog That Pokes Fun at How Seriously Wine Bloggers Take Themselves": Over Oaked, Over Extracted and Flabby Chard from Wine-ing 2.0.

We'd like to thank everyone who voted for us in this, the most important category. We couldn't have done it with all of the pompous, insecure, wine-soaked losers in the wine blogging community. Thank you!

Dr. Vino: He's NOT a doctor and he doesn't like wine.

On Saturday night, a pathetic scene unfolded at Manhattan wine bar Il Truli as Tyler Colman, the pathetic poser behind the wine blog, was dining alone when a nearby bar customer slumped from his stool, the apparent victim of a minor heart attack.

One would think that Colman, being a 'doctor' and all, was at the right place at the right time for this poor gentleman. One would be wrong.

Instead of rushing to the man's aid, Colman -- according to our sources -- simply squealed "Oh my gosh, is there a doctor? Call a doctor!" as he fumbled with his mobile phone.

It turns out that Colman isn't a doctor at all, having never set foot inside a medical school (not even one in the Bahamas). He isn't even a man-nurse or even an EMT. No he only has a PhD in Late Night Television Studies from the University of Northern South Missouri State A&M.

Even more disturbing to the wine blogging community is that Colman was caught sipping a Birra Moretti, an Italian-made beer, rather than his supposed favorite beverage -- wine.

That's right folks. Dr. Vino isn't a wine-loving doctor. He just plays one on the Internet.

It is just this sort of deception that will hold wine blogging back. Glossy wine magazines like Wine Spectator are much more trustworthy. Keep buying them and buying only the wines they rate highly. Clearly wine bloggers cannot be trusted.

The restaurant patron was rushed to a nearby hospital and is recovering nicely. We wish we could say the same for Colman's 'reputation.'

Sunday, March 30, 2008

El Jefe of Twitsted Oak Winery Caught Choking Chicken

Reports are starting to come in that noted wine maker and wine rack aficionado is being accused of choking a chicken at his Twisted Oak estate. Early reports suggest that there may have been more than one chicken involved though that remains yet to be confirmed. Known for his love of rubber fowl, this accusation of live chicken torture is somewhat disturbing. Some close to the Twisted Oak Winery, where el Jefe is in charge of the main twitter feed and el Bloggo Torcido, suggest that it started out when el Jefe became frustrated with the lack of good wine racks in the area. "He does have a lot of wine, and is always looking for better racking to have on hand in the case of emergencies" said rubber chicken packer Ivanna Nujob.

Wine-ing 2.0 will keep you up todate with all the latest news as it develops in this truly bizarre turn of events. Calaveras County may never be the same again.

US Government set to launch new Image based labeling laws

According to inside sources the US government, in a surprising show of bureaucracy, has decided to move away from the standard wine labeling system currently used to an image based system. Starting in early 2009, all labels will no longer be allowed to use text to describe the wine, or it's health warnings but rather an elaborate set of what can only be called pictographs to communicate with the customer. "We've found that most people after consuming a bottle or two of wine can't read anyways" stated FDA pleaby Mike (I have a worthless art degree) Johnson.

Symbols will include pictures of pregnant ladies, with red bars across their bellies, and an image of a car pile up with a question mark next to it. "We really hope that people have fun with these new images, I mean really who doesn't know they shouldn't drink and drive? In the end we hope these images liven up parties with their charade like qualities" added Mike.

In addition to warning labels, all text will also be removed from the description on the label to allow more people access to the wineries suggestions of food pairings. "If you don't speaky the English, you can't properly pair your wine with food by using today's labels. I mean really all immigrants should be able to find the right Pinot to go with their tacos!" continued Mike, "It's about democracy of the senses" No immigrants were available for comment, though various hand gestures we're spotted.

Wineries responded with a pictograph laced petition to the FDA, that due to it's graphic nature can not be shown on this site.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Budo Kun Escapes Police Custody

In handcuffs, humming Bitter Wine by Bon Jovi, Budo Kun wore a poker face, showing no remorse for his actions as he stepped out of the police car. Stumbling across the sidewalk into a throng of Critter supporters holding signs saying, "Bestiality is Beautiful" and "Not All Men Like Bush".

Budo Kun looked to the crowd with a single tear rolling down his cheek he screamed, "I am proud to love furries!". And with inhuman strength, he broke free from his shackles. Kicking the police officer's ankle with his stubby foot, Bodo Kun scuttled through the crowd, down Oak Street and into a taxi.

"It was incredible. He's dreamy. I mean, it was like, oh my god, so cool how he broke free from those metal rings and all. He's just so hot!" reported cow from Prairie Estate Winery.

Admitting their powerlessness to the press, the police immediately called in for military reinforcements.

"This guy is no match for us. Clearly, his sexual prowess is helping in some way that we have yet to understand," said Police Office Russel Jerk.

Two hours later, our reporter Sandy Saucepot called in with this report, "Flabby Chard, we're sending you a picture of what appears to be Budo Kun with a gun at the wharf. We are told by the National Guard that he is holding at least one hostage, but confirmation has not been given as of yet. "

Weak Dollar, New 6-Tier Distribution to Do In Dr. Debs?

The U.S. dollar's pathetic trend downard against foreign currency, especially the Euro, could spell doom for well-liked and award-nominated wine blog, Good Wine Under $20, run by Dr. Debs. The blog, which chronicles the poor professors poverty-driven patrol for 'good' wines at affordable prices, is a relative newcomer on the blogging nerd scene.

The ever-escalating prices of non-U.S. wines may soon threaten her target niche.

Mr. Takur Monai, iron-fisted Czar of the U.S. Wine Distributor ASSociation agrees, telling Wine-ing 2.0 that "Between the weak dollar and the new six-tier distribution system we're forching through Congress via bribes, blackmail and murder, you won't be able to get your hands on any wine for less than $45. And if you want a bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel, it's going to cost you at least $60." This new six-tier system, which Monai openly admits take money from wineries, wine shops and consumers alike, is expected to be in place by 2009, Mr. Monai said from the poop deck of his 300-foot yacht.

What is to come of Dr. Debs and her blog? Only time will tell.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Budo Kun's Secret Love Affair

Domaine 547's Budo Kun was caught in a sting operation last night videotaping the Little Penguin having sexual relations with Yellow Tail on the fifth floor of the Shangri-La Hotel in Sydney. Captain Brain Hammond of the Sidney police department reports that they have been zeroing in on the underground critter sex ring for over two years now, but it wasn't until they found remnants of Budo Kun's wine stains on the hotel rug last week that they had substantial evidence to move forward with the case. "It was quite the break actually. If it wasn't for the hotel calling us in as a result of those wine stains, there's no way we would have honed in on their location."

"We're all surprised quite frankly," states the Barrington Estates Buzzard, "we had no idea that Budo Kun was in to that stuff. As far as we knew, he was in a church going type of guy."

As shock and awe runs through the critter community, we tried to get a hold of Budo Kun this morning, but he was not available for comment.

However, Bobcat from Selby Winery, a longtime friend of Budo Kuns, was quoted this morning saying, "Man, this news doesn't surprise me. He's always trying to buck the system dude. I mean, one minute he's dissing the Blog Awards and the next he's participating in bestiality. I love him man, cus' he's my buddy, but this stuff has gotten a little freaky, you know what I mean?!"

All three were brought into the police station last night for questioning.

Gary Vaynerchuck Takes Down Twitter with Happiness

Yesterday evening, the popular micro blogging service, was victim yet again to the joy that is in Gary Vaynerchuck's heart. In a avalanche of twitter updates Gary, host of Wine Library TV, single handedly brought down the entire grid with his announcements of joy about the miracle we call life. This combined with a recent release of his popular show where he updated 35times in under 1 minute, explaining how this show quote "Is bringing the thunder more than any other thunder show, I love my peeps! Spread the love link>>", amounted to a recipe for disaster. Gary explained to us, "I just can't help it when I get so excited to be alive I just need to tell everyone, again, and again, and again...I love you, and you and you!"

Twitter's programmers, have vowed to install virtual (GaryVEE)circut breakers to help deal with further outages due to Gary's over powering love. Anytime Twitter detects more than 10 incoming tweets from Gary the entire system will be put into a holding pattern, until his love is properly quarantined. Quoting a pleabee at Twitter headquarters, "We hope that while Gary's love does make the wine world go round, that it won't put Twitter down any more!"

Winehiker Lost in Napa Back Country

Search parties are starting to form at this hour as bloggers everywhere begin to deal with the fact that the Winehiker appears to be lost. Approximately 2 hours ago, the wine blogger, who goes by the alias Winehiker, twitter feed went dead, suggesting that he may have hiked too far past the nearest cell towers. Known for his jaunts around California wine country, search parties are focusing their efforts today in the Napa valley, but so far no luck. "We found some nice pinot noir bottles sitting next to a makeshift fire ring" one of the searchers said, "We thought he might have tried an impromptu wine tasting, but it just appears to have been left over from rowdy gourmands that we're up here last week."
Police have asked people to remain calm and to not, they repeat, to not continue to refresh their twitter page. Winehiker will be found.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wine Injuries: Vinography's Alder Yarrow Sprains Tongue at Rhone Rangers 2008

Alder Yarrow, superstart wine blogger, publisher of and all-round good guy, sustained a third-degree sprain of his Styloglossus muscle while tasting his 3,467th wine at Rhone Rangers 2008 over the weekend. The Styloglossus is a major muscle within the tongue.

Yarrow, known for his ability to taste thousands of upon thousands of wines withing a 30-minute period and rate each on a 10-point scale, is recovering at his San Francisco home. The California wine community was stunned when Yarrow first sustained the injury. Rumors swirled that he'd be forced to taste more slowly or -- heaven forbid -- skip a large-scale wine tasting event, but he is now expected to fight -- and taste -- through the injury, much to the chagrin of his doctor, Dr. Tungs R. Soare.

When we contacted Yarrow for comment, he said -- through his publicist -- that "I'm resting and tasting comfortably right now, drinking water and Napa cab. The cab's over-the-top fruit and lack of acid seem to help, despite the agressive tannins."

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

New California Wine - 2x4 Set to Launch in US

Constellation brands announced yesterday their intent to launch the new wine brand 2x4. Quoting Henry Woodbottom, sales manager for the East Coast, "We've found that there are people who seem to find too much fruit in there wines." The wine a blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Petite Sirah, and surprisingly Greek grape Agiorgitko, and will be aged in Oak for 48months, with plans to rotate the wine to entirely new barrels every 3-4weeks. "We know the wine will be expensive," said Woodbottom "But we feel that our customers who are fruit-phobic will be willing to pay the extra costs." Estimated costs are around $1299/btl with a total production of 2 cases.

Early reports suggest the noted wine guru Robert Parker has staked his claim to futures of the wine, available only to a super secret mailing list that our sources say, "mortals are not allowed access to."